Random Oneshots
by GenoVera
Summary: Title says it all! A series of random little stories, all selected by pure change! Prepare for weirdness, fluffiness and, above all, randomness! Roll the dice and let the craziness begin! RandomxRandom, with different ratings and genres for every chapter.


**A/N: Hello there! First, to everybody who's reading 'Intangible Connection', don't worry, I haven't abandoned this project! This was just something that was stuck in my mind and I wanted to do it as a little writing practise!**

**Soo, Random Oneshots... what to say? The concept's easy, I'll pick the pairings, the atmosphere and the dominant/submissive-roles by pure chance! Or, more accurate, my best friend does (she has a talent for picking the funniest and most unusual pairings, I swear :D). The rating, the genre, the content and the closeness to the Death-Note-storyline totally depend on each oneshot. So there are cute ones, weird ones, smutty ones and all in all you'll be confronted with a general randomness.**

**That being said, here's the first one, LxRem (dominant/submissive). And it's fluffy/cute! Yay! Enjoy!**

**Rating: Rating's probably T, maybe with a tendency to M, because I'm paranoid.**

* * *

RO the first: LxRem

Light, being the marvelous teenager and god-like creature he was, always has had a good eye for beauty. Meaning, he recognised beauty upon seeing it. And Rem was certainly _not _in the slightest attractive. She was pallid, decrepit, rough… and momentarily spoon-fed by Ryuuzaki.

Yes, that was right. The world's three greatest detectives in one person was currently feeding a three-metre-monster cake with a spoon. And they both looked disturbingly happy.

L's eyes were widened in fascination and Rem… well, Rem maybe looked a little less apathetic than usual.

"Does it taste good?", L asked, one finger stuck between his lips.

"Yes", Rem answered shortly.

L nodded, as if Rem had just agreed to the most common scientific law there was.

"Did you ever experience something like this before?"

"No"

"I see… Ah, Light-kun, I am glad you came by. I am just researching the shinigami's anatomy. It seems like they indeed have taste buds. _Shinigami like apples_, wasn't it like this?"

Light's eyes narrowed dangerously. He only visited the headquarter after his well deserved rehabilitation since he wanted to keep an eye on this nagging detective. With good reasons, it seemed. Light knew that the dense shinigami wanted to emotionally attach herself to everything that was too stupid to run away. Or, in L's case, too lazy.

"L, are you sure you should spend that much time with… her? It could be dangerous", Light hissed and sent an intimidating glare at Rem. _Get away from him._

The corners of L's mouth went up.

"I didn't know Light-kun was that concerned about my well-being. Don't you think that every given information could help solving this case? This of course raises your Kira-percentage by 0.8 %"

"This is nonsense, Ryuuzaki! Stop accusing me of being Kira! I am just afraid that we will lose our main investigator if this continues!", he stated and pointed at the partly-eaten cake and the spoon dangling from L's hand.

The detective's face suddenly contorted into some grinning grimace.

"Oh, but Light-kun, we haven't come to the most _interesting _part yet"

And then he turned to the bony, skeleton-like monster with the one glowing eye and asked sweetly:

"Rem-san, are shinigami sexually active?"

* * *

Light's first instinct was to run away, but he felt that his legs were frozen. So he was doomed to witness whatever might come next (oh, the mental images!) and silently pleaded '_Please say no, please say no, please say no…_'

"Shinigami cannot have sexual intercourse with other shinigami", Rem answered and Light relaxed a bit. That wasn't all too bad to start with…

"And with humans?", L asked casually and licked the spoon he had not a long time ago stuck in the damp throat of the bony monster. Light seriously questioned his mental sanity by then, since he was still unable to run away. Was he a masochist? A psycho? A pervert? Ah, wait, it was his responsibility as Kira to stay and watch the exchange between his arch-nemesis and his pawn, wasn't it? Damn right, it was.

Rem didn't even blink. Light momentarily envied the shinigami for her composure.

"I have never heard of such a thing ever having occurred"

L nodded once, gnawing at his finger furiously. He then stood up, made one step towards Rem and twisted his body. He looked directly (and downright shamelessly) at her crotch. From below.

If this was a new tactic of the quirky detective to make Light confess, the latter would have to admit that it was almost working. _Almost_. Light had once read one of Sayu's Yaoi-Manga; it hasn't been easy to shock him since that fateful day.

Not even when L started sweeping Rem's …_underparts_. No, not even then. Light wasn't _anywhere_ near pressing his eyes together and starting to pray.

* * *

L finally re-emerged from his… excursion.

"Mmmmh. At least I cannot identify any discernible sexual organs."

He sounded a bit disappointed. Or maybe that was Light's irritated mind again.

"What do you think, Light-kun? How do shinigami procreate?"

Light gulped and tried not to sound overly traumatized.

"I really don't know. Why don't you ask Rem?"

L smiled at him sweetly (which was the most diabolic sight the mass murderer has ever come across) and wriggled his toes.

"But, Light-kun, that's not really something to ask a lady, is it?"

Light didn't even bother to emphasise that L had almost literally stuck his head in said _lady's_ non-existent vagina, instead he hoped that L would leave the shinigami alone; before she could reveal important information; if only he'd satisfy his curiosity. Sighing, he turned to the despicable creature and asked:

"Rem, how do shinigami reproduce?"

"I don't know. It is not something any shinigami has ever witnessed except the king himself", she answered without any emotions crossing her wrinkled face.

"The shinigami world has a hierarchical system", L told no one in particular, but Light felt like he should respond nevertheless.

"Is that so? That's interesting"

L's intense gaze fell upon Light and he felt a shiver running down his spine. What was with the detective's eyes anyway? They were always staring at the world, as if afraid that if they closed, they'd close forever. _Don't worry, L, I'll give you your eternal sleep_, Light thought and smirked inwardly.

His internal grin vanished, however, when L averted his eyes and looked at the death goddess again.

Without a word, L began slowly climbing up the tall body, using its edges and weird angles as struts. Rem didn't object, quite the opposite. She was deadly calm as usual, and some inner voice of Light told him that she looked like she was _used _to this. But this was ridiculous. Since when has it become a normal circumstance for a supernatural being to be used as a climbing frame by filthy humans?

L, in the meanwhile, had reached the head and was now dangling in front of Rem's face, one never-blinkling eye staring into the other.

The detective slowly bowed forward, pursing his lips. He then pressed them firmly on top of the shinigami's purple ones.

Light's eyes widened until they almost were as big as the ones the insomniac possessed, when said man got more passionate, now moaning at the impassive kiss he was indulging in. Rem still didn't react.

Light could see the sweet-fanatic's skilled tongue wiping every last inch of Rem's mouth and that was the moment where Light turned around and left the room, still struggling with the urge to puke.

* * *

L observed the fleeing brunette and turned his head to Rem.

"Well, that was fun", he said casually, still not making any attempt to remove himself from his current position.

"Now that you have had your fun, will you make your promise true and arrest Kira with the evidence I've given you?", Rem asked with her humming voice.

"Yes. I shall not tease Light-kun any further"

"And you'll send Misa to the mental hospital you proposed without punishing her?", Rem pressed the detective on.

"I've made a deal. Kira is the only one who interests me and this hasn't changed in the slightest. The fact that I'll be killed in case Misa gets mistreated is also taken into consideration, so don't worry. You've done the right thing"

Rem nodded. She had felt bad after teaming up with L and betraying Misa, but the young detective had convinced her that Misa needed help. And since she didn't have anyone who'd point this out, it was Rem's responsibility to give the young actress what she really needed. And that was therapy. L had then showed her pictures of the fanciest institution in Japan and had made the promise that Rem could kill him anytime if Misa became unhappy or the therapy didn't start working within a certain time span.

Rem looked down at the slouching creature being attached to her. The creature she'd became attracted to eventually. The creature that right now looked at her with an almost evil smirk and said:

"Right then, shall we continue where our little play stopped?", he asked and licked Rems lips, making her shiver.

"And this time…", he added and slammed his food into Rem's crotch, making it impossible for the shinigami to repress her arousal like she'd managed to do mere minutes ago. When she moaned huskily, L leaned forwards and whispered into her ear:

"I will _make_ you react"

* * *

**A/N: Hooray for interspecies! Yeah, that was the first one. This probably will be the average length of every story, so don't expect pages with deep background stories and great character development. It's just random after all :D**

**-GenoVera (also thanks to my already mentioned best friend for her magical skill to create these... things... pairings...whatever... THANK YOU!) **

**And also thanks to everyone who really read this stuff. Seriously, it'll only get weirder from here on.**


End file.
